the letter z

On cowardice

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2010-01-24

Really, the only decision in my life that I feel absolutely no regrets over, that the only thing pursued that would remain an absolute constant, would be my decision to pursue transition. It is a funny thing, that it was the one that caused the most impact and potential to harm others that were closest to me: but now I find that I am deathly afraid to harm others that I find myself nearly incapable of possibly doing this again.

I have become a coward. I find it difficult to reconcile my convictions earlier in life with this newfound impotence. I can’t allow it. I must not allow it.

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2010-01-11

QT’s most recent post by the impeccable little light is up. This is bone-chilling stuff, people, and it’s real. Trigger warnings apply for erasure of the self and for violence against trans people.

It may not be physical violence, but it’s all beginning to sound like genocide all the same. It’s a perfect system, whether set up by a cis society that’s too weak to do the right thing or a cis society that consciously works to ensure that we are erased through hook or by crook, couched to extinguish the agency of the queer community but especially trans and intersex people, and supported by cis people who either don’t see a problem or actively support this violence.

There are people walking around out there, deep in their psyche, in some of them, lie enemy combatants. You would not be able to tell by just looking at them. They are insurgents against the right to self-determination, who would sooner see you bend and snap, who would strip you of your inalienable rights if they knew you were fighting this war on the other side. Or they are those who would turn their back and claim ignorance, to believe the propaganda of the greater cis populous, that they support informed self-determination, that the violence you and I see happening to our community couldn’t possibly be happening.

But it is happening. We may forget there is a war being fought out there, and sometimes, I believe we have to, or we would surely go mad. But it’s these terrifying, repugnant stories that you hear, straight from the front lines, that remind you that there is a war happening, that cis terrorism is very real, and it’s happening all the time.

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2010-01-10

I’ve been trying to distill what this feeling of discontent, of boredom, I’ve been having for the past few weeks, and I think I have it.

It’s time-wasting. All this time is just empty time, filling the gaps between functional time that doesn’t belong to me and boredom between periods of sleep.

The worst part is not knowing what this time-wasting is leading to.

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2010-01-05

The patterns in the sand shift with the wind. Things that seemed to be clear aren’t so much any more again.

Love flips me the bird once more, taunting me.