the letter z

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2009-12-31

I’m still a bit drunk, but bear with me.

I reached a moment of enlightenment today, and it goes as follows, that our individual lives are irrelevant so long as we subjugate ourselves to a social convention that determines that we must act contrary to our wishes as to the desire of those with greater willpower than ourselves, in other words, that we obey, not because we want to do so, but because it is socially mandated to do so.

We are irrelevant when it comes to being social, because — it is not necessarily what the majority wants, but it is what is deemed acceptable to want. We are irrelevant as independant actors, as independant human beings, for most of our lives — we do not do what we want to do, we work to earn money, and subject ourselves to the tyrrany of the landlord, or of the bank that supports a mortgage, or whatever greater power that overlords us at either turn.

There is no escaping it. Real independence is like a mirage, completely perceptible to the naked eye, but somehow immaterial during moments of perception where all moments of pretense collapse and one wonders — why am I here, why am I suffering here, right now, this instant? It is usually never because of you yourself that life is hard, and when it is, your moments of clarity when you see that you are hindering yourself from something, you find it hard to really severely blame yourself.

I’m probably rambling, but I felt this was vaguely important to write down. I need some sleep and to feel like less of an inadequate failure in the eyes of the universe.

Illicit animals and clutter

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2009-12-29

I have been freaking out recently due to the fact that some emergency plumbing was needed to the flat without being present, let alone the fact that the flat was a mess and there’s an illicit animal on the premises (just a cat, no endangered species or anything like that).

I’m fairly sure that eviction would be unlikely — the rent is paid regularly and there is a substantial amount in advance, and an excuse was given about catsitting, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying incessantly.

The five stages of grief

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2009-12-22

I like to think that I’m progressing through the five stages of grief with my interactions with the universe — but whose grief is it that I’m experiencing, my own? Ours? Yours?

I think the denial stage is well and truly over, that yes, the world is an awful place and so are most of the humans living in it, that love is no longer this romantic ideal that I used to cherish so childishly, and now I tend to experience fairly regularly the emotion whose absence I had noticed so long ago — anger.

I can’t do this any more

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2009-12-20

Love is a cruel beast — it obliges from those willing to do things, both easy to do as turning on a light switch or considerably darker, almost going as far as cannibalizing itself… love’s demands that sacrifice love itself.

I have been thrust into these dark corners of the power that I once believed was the very essence of life itself, and everything seems changed; but I have not understood it any more other than to sense its thralls. I am still powerless to fight them. But fight them I must — I am still ensconced that black hole that I entered long ago, and I need to leave it, regardless of the destructive effects that I know it will have.

On the presumption of innocence

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2009-12-07

I’ve been pondering this in the back of my mind recently; where you take a presumably cis person you have just met and put to yourself — is this person a transphobe? Am I going to trust this person to not ridicule other trans people? Am I going to trust this person who (possibly) may know that I am trans? Am I going to trust this person not to kill me? Am I going to trust this person at all?

We can say what we will about cis society as a whole; I have already posited that a group can be judged as a whole by it’s worst members and that group’s attitudes towards them, and we know that transphobic attitudes amongst the general populace are, to say the least, commonplace. But to consider a single cis person, do we exclude and distance ourselves from them because they are part of the problem? Or do we respect the presumption of innocence?

I suppose there is a spectrum at play, we may exclude ourselves completely from cis society, or we may choose to be suspicious and skeptical (which is probably healthiest, perhaps?), or we may trust, with the possibility of severe consequences later…

Posted in Uncategorized by z on 2009-12-03

Jesus, I’m a bundle of nerves. The slightest thing is causing depressive waves to me right now.